It’s a running joke amongst friends and family that I rarely ask parents I meet how sleep is going. In fact I’m known to be pretty terrible at PR and sales! I’ll explain why by sharing a recent, real-life experience that has nothing to do with sleep.
Eli, (our second child) is now 5 days into potty training. He is 3 years and 2 months’ old.
And over the last year and a bit, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard:
- Is Eli still in diapers?
2. When are you going to potty train?
3. He can’t wear diapers at school..
The moment a child turns two, it seems society expects them to ditch the diaper, regardless of readiness. (and similar pressure goes for sleep, night weaning, starting solids, walking etc). As a second (and final!) time mum, I definitely have worried far less about all of Eli’s development generally and have been in no hurry to rush anything. Eli’s older sister Sira has gone through this journey ahead of him and over the years, we have watched many friends’ and family too. And yes, I’ve never met a 5 year old still in diapers J Still, despite knowing and experiencing all of that, in the face of (often well-intentioned), albeit unsolicited comments, at times, it was incredibly hard to trust my instincts and not cave to popular opinion.
We all know that children develop, learn and reach milestones in their own individual time. That’s nothing new. But even though we know it, still, sometimes it can be hard to live it and filter out the noise around you.
It would have been easy to push Eli into toilet training earlier. He showed physical signs of readiness/capability but it seemed that emotionally he didn’t feel ready for that change yet. On the odd occasion we had let him try, he was perfectly able to use the toilet. He just loved his diapers and didn’t want to let them go, yet! He simply needed time. No amount of rewards, new underwear or peer pressure from friends who use the toilet would have made a difference..
So what did we do?
- We waited and followed his lead. No pressure. No rush. We let Eli know that whenever he felt ready and wanted to start he could.
2. We kept it on the radar. We left pottys/seats and steps around and accessible. We shopped and let him choose his own underwear for a later date when he was ready. We occasionally read stories about toilet transition and gave him opportunities to try whenever he wanted. It didn’t matter if he said no a hundred times, we kept asking, knowing that one day he would say yes! A few weeks before he got rid of the diapers completely, when he undressed for bath, he liked to put on his underwear and use the toilet. Sometimes he would actually do pipi. Other times not, but I think this helped..
And the outcome?
Eli decided that when we got back from our vacation in Turkey he would stop using diapers. Yes! I was shocked! But he kept his word. And the best part? It was so quick and easy! The first couple of days, we mostly stayed at home to let him get used to things gradually. We’re now on day 5, and we’ve had 3 pipi accidents in total since the beginning. That’s it! No frustration, battles or tears. He was ready. He decided.
So the last 5 days have reassured me just how important it is to trust that a child will do something when they’re ready to. Whether that’s walking, potty training, sleep or anything else! As a Sleep Coach, I try to take this same approach. I support families to set up environments, conditions and routines, which are conducive to sleep but sleeping through the night or taking longer naps is something that all babies will do, when they are ready, confident and capable to. Even as a second time mum I still found it hard at times, not to let external noise create doubts in my mind, so hats off to all the confident mums (whether first-time or tenth!) who can!
And on that point, Eli’s experience has also served as an important reminder for me personally and professionally, not to add to the noise of well-meaning, unsolicited comments.
That brings me back to my original title question.. Why do I resist asking strangers how their child is sleeping? Frankly, I believe it’s none of my business! If someone hasn’t talked about sleep or asked for my help, chances are they may not want it. Sleep, as with all child development is emotive and happens along vastly different timelines for different children. If a family wants my help, absolutely I’m delighted to support. But as I frequently say, there is no right or wrong when it comes to sleep. Only what’s right for that family. Personal choices when it comes to sleep are individual and deserve to be respected with privacy.
What can seem like an insignificant, well-intentioned, throw away comment is never the full picture. It may be one comment in a sea of hundreds and can influence that parent’s decisions and choices in different directions. Societal pressure and expectations that when a child reaches X age they should be able to do X are largely outside of our control. However, we can influence what we say on an individual basis. And if we all do our little bit perhaps we can change things over time?..
So whatever is going on for your little one, meet them where they are, block out all other noise and above all, trust in them. They will do everything when they are ready.
No responses yet